Day 1

I went to see a therapist yesterday and tomorrow marks Day 1 of "healing." At least I like to hope so. The therapist told me I have depression. That word has always held so much taboo for me that in the past, when people suggested that I had it, I denied it immediately. But to hear a licensed clinical therapist say it, felt almost like a relief. A relief to know that 1) it's curable and 2) I wasn't being ungrateful for my life. I've just been in a sad state for a long time now.

And when I told my roommates and sister about it, they seem to have realized it for years whereas it came almost as a shock for me. Jeff thinks I have probably been depressed since my mom passed away when I was 16 and just repressed it for 10 years. Can something like that be held in for that long?

Well now I won't hold back anymore. I'll allow myself the freedom to fall, to be difficult and to be the person I probably repressed for a long time now. I wonder what she looks like. Is she caring and kind? Is she high maintenance? Is she selfless and brave? But most of all, is she happy? Truly happy? Can she be?

And I hope that as I heal, I can stop being fickle. I can appreciate the people in my life, the present moments that I often take for granted, and can grow in all the ways I thought I couldn't anymore. I don't want to just live a life. I want to fulfill this life that I was blessed with.

And then I want to bless other people's lives. I want to allow myself to be loved and not be scared of leaning on someone. And I want to win back Matt's love for me. At least, allow myself to be hurt by it and grow from it. I won't make the same mistake twice.

NYC Half Marathon

On Saturday, I found out I got into the lottery of the NYC Half Marathon. I was so happy, I almost cried. Like I wrote in my sappy facebook post, I attempted the lottery in 2010 when I was depressed and thought that if I got in that year, it would change my situation and prove my worth. When I did not get in, I lost motivation to be the best that I could be.

I wasn't in a good place with God (or I was slowly turning away) that year. I blamed Him for my break up with Oliver. Anyway, almost 3 years later, I'm in a better place in my life and I let go a lot of the issues I had before. I basically accepted the end of my break up once and for all. I realized that it wasn't God, but just life itself. Oliver and I were always very different and as I saw it, we weren't in the same place anymore. When I let go of that, and just let God run my life, it started drastically improving. And now I got into the the NYC Half Marathon (a chance to prove to myself that I can really run 13.1 miles!) and I know it is God's timing alone that got me there. 

I hope that I will finally achieve some of my ultimate goals: get to a size 2, and run a marathon (eventually). I feel like 2013 will be tough but well worth it! 

Thank you God!! NYC Half - bring it on! 

Financial breakdown

SHORT TERM STEPS:
1. Pay off 1125 credit card. (each month pay $509 for 4 months)

• Reminder: call credit card company to see when 0% APR will end and see if I need to re-adjust payment goal

2. After credit card is paid off, start aiming to put away $6k in savings acct.

• To achieve $6k in a year, I must put away $500/mo ($250 per paycheck). 
• Note that it might take longer than a year because I also want to travel as well and will not sacrifice living my life for financial security.
• Pretend I still owe 1125 credit card

3. Simultaneously, work to pay off the unsubsidized stafford loan currently at $1,512

• Wait for 2012 tax return and see if I owe the gov't money & use stock money

LONG TERM STEPS:

1. Break down paying off last part of Acct 6 (currently at $4,717) into 3 parts so it is approximately $1,572. 

• Use the difference of $180 that was used to pay the now-completed loans to continue for the minimum payment
• At the same time, aim to save $1,500 on the side.

Hobbies and goals

At this age in my life, I still think it is important to stay well rounded and balanced. It's just a lot more difficult than it was in college to focus on a variety of hobbies when your job becomes a majority of your week and life. I especially need to limit my hobbies because otherwise, I will never get anything done.

HOBBIES:
1. Run races. Ultimate goal is to do a marathon (to keep me fit)
2. Volunteer on the side (to keep me grounded)
3. Travel at least once every year (to keep me cultured)
4. Read more. Fiction, nonfiction, current events (to keep me knowledgeable) 

It is important for me to have short term and long term goals, but it must be broken up in the same way as hobbies in order to stay balanced physically, mentally and financially. For me, short term is pretty much a goal I can get started right away and will probably be reached in a few months or a year from today. A long term goal is a little more ambiguous because it takes more discipline, perseverance and planning such as grad school, which can be started right away but it takes so much longer to make headway.

1. Career goal

• Short term: Job hunting again?
• Long term: Grad school

2. Financial goal (Refer to financial post for break-down)

• Short term: Pay off unsubsidized stafford loan with the 6.8% (part 2 of Acct 6), AND pay off credit card 1125
• Long term: Reach $10k in savings

3. Spiritual goal

• Short term: Write down/blog more about my thoughts
• Long term: Connect with God and have a relationship with him

4. Physical goal

• Short term: 5 mile Turkey Trot in November, decide on a race for December
• Long term: Half marathon and marathon

Random thoughts of 11/4/12

As a result of Hurricane Sandy, my roommates and I have tried to fill our days with things to do. We didn't lose electricity but since many people did, it has made work less productive overall. My boyfriend has taken refuge in my apartment which has also lessen my productivity level. My roommate, CS has started studying for her GMAT since she hasn't been at work all week due to power outage in that area. She is part of the SoPo (South of Power) community haha. Watching her study has made me think about my future again. Not only that, I have been volunteering for AALDEF in preparation for the Presidential Election which has also made me rethink my current job situation.

I might have an interview with another international law firm in the financial district soon. It's another compliance position with a possible salary of $70k. I'm not that excited about it though because I don't think I want to be in compliance in the long run, but when is it best to not follow the money and go for your dream job, especially if you don't know how to do that AND you don't like your current job anymore?

Also, after observing CS study for her GMAT, I feel like I should buy a LG book and start studying for my LSAT again. After volunteering a little bit at AALDEF, I feel motivated to go to law school (again) but I don't know if I have what it takes to be a lawyer honestly. This makes me wonder if I should just stay at my current job, study on the side and hope for the best.

Or I could start looking at political consulting firms which has been my biggest consideration. I love the feeling of campaigns and politics. I think after working in AML compliance, my research skills have greatly improved and I think political consulting will be a nice challenge for me.

So what do I do?
- Do I stay in compliance and apply for jobs that will pay more?
- Do I stick with my current compliance job and study for grad school?
- Do I change careers again and try to apply for another entry level position in a new industry again?

Point #1: Applying for another compliance job that pays more would certainly help me pay off my student loans even faster (currently 3/7 accounts down). But a higher salary would be at the expense of me trying to figure out my niche in the world. As naive as this sounds, I still have hope that I will find something I love to do by age 30 and start making headway in my career.

Point #2: Staying at my current job is mainly due to the fact that I don't want to make my resume look even worse as I have already jumped industry before. It's not like I know what industry to go into this time around. And grad school has been a goal of mine since before I even finished college. I don't know why I want to go to grad school, but I feel like I will never feel satisfy with myself if I don't. I'm afraid if I don't go to grad school soon, I will feel too old and have even more responsibilities to do so later.

Point #3: Change my career for the second time, and start over again (probably with another low salary). This is a risk I'm scared to take because I'm finally comfortable financially and can afford relatively nice things. It sounds greedy and materialistic of me, but I don't know if I can go back to living off of every penny again. Internally, it might be a great choice if I can break into political consulting and be challenged again. It might even be my ultimate calling.

Ugh, the dilemma of a 25 year old...